You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
