Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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