I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
