I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
