He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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