People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
