Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
