The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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