I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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