repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
