i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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