Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
