he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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