Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
