If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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