how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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