You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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