There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
