I just saw a hot homeless man
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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