when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
