I just pynch a tree in the face
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
