I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
