chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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