Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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