1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
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Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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