brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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