I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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