I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
