its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
