I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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