Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
