Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
