We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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