Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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