I accidentally burped into my bong.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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