Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
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My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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