I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
