yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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