god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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