I think I won the penis lottery.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
