I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
