If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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