i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
