I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
