God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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