That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
