We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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