Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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