I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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