bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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