I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
