in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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