i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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