fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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