So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize