I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
