I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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