I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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