i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
