My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i love accidental penises.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
