Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
