Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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